As a student from Santa Fe High School , I can tell you from the heart that the past two months have not been easy for any of us , in fact they have been far from it, here is my personal experience in healing after the events that occurred at my high school on May 18th.
The First Two Weeks
For the first two weeks after the tragedy struck my high school on May 18th 2018, I think the entire community was still in shock. There was an overwhelming amount of support coming from everywhere and it showed hope, but still none of us were okay. For the first few days, I kept myself locked in my room, I didn’t eat, I barely drank anything, and i drifted in and out of sleep all day long. Eventually i left my house for the event they held at the Gulf Greyhound Track in La Marque, and I didn’t know what to expect. By then everyone had known I lost my best friend Kyle Mcleod, and while I knew everyone was there to support me, I still felt so alone, I still feel alone 2 months later. As time went on, leaving my house became easier, I began spending time with my friends more, and attending the events that were being held for students, it was amazing to see so many people come together for my little town, but my heart was still heavy. I wasn’t used to not having Kyle around me all of the time, and it broke my heart to enjoy life knowing he couldn’t anymore. My dad told me that it wasn’t going to stop hurting, ever, but in time i would learn how to deal with it better, I believe he was right but I am yet to learn how to deal with it. Kyle was my other half, and so every time something happened in my personal life, my first instinct was to tell him, I couldn’t do that anymore and the anger and pain that resided so deep in my heart would stab me a little harder every time I thought of him. It is one thing to miss someone you are guaranteed to see again, but it is another to know they are gone for good.
The First Month
For the first month, every Friday i would hideaway in my room, crying all day and looking at pictures of Kyle and I and reading through our messages, I often watched our video on YouTube because it was the only thing that made me feel close to him. I thought that maybe after I knew it had been a month since he was gone, my heart would let me accept it. I woke up June 18th and still I felt the same grief as the day before. How could it be that the rest of the world could go along with their lives when i couldn’t even eat without crying? I can’t speak for the entirety of Santa Fe, but for me, the world stopped as soon as i found out my Kyle had passed away. I started living again after the first month had passed, I began going out more, and doing things normals kids do, as well as taking part in activism. The world around me continued and i started to catch up with it, half heartedly because my heart was still stuck in the time where i could laugh carelessly with Kyle.
The Two Month Mark
Two months later, and I still feel as heartbroken as i did May 18th. I wish more than anything that there was some way I could tell people how to get better but there isn’t. There is no one way path to getting better, I still freak out when i hear loud booms, I still cry when I see pictures of us, sometimes grief sneaks up on me and catches me off guard in moments where I least expect it, yesterday I was cooking and all of a sudden I couldn’t stop crying. There is no teaching someone how to grieve properly, there is no proper way . Grieving is a battle, and it’s important to never let it win. I know that I will feel this sadness forever, but I fear i may never learn how to handle it.